Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
You Might Also Like
I think I’ll stand
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
still the best tweet of the year by far