Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
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Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
When someone says you are so lazy
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher