Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Worth the read.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet