*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Spotted in New Orleans.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it