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Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…