Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Saturday
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel