I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
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*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
A small tragedy.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!