In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.