“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Perfect.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call