JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Writing, She Murdered.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop