me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.