If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
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I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.