Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
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[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now