Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so