Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
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Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Accurate
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.