Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one