If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.