doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did