Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’