There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
bro what is going on at twitter
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack