There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party