*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
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“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control