I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Meowchelangelo
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I wish I were this cool 😂
No way!
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.