Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
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“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses