ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.