Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.