The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
When you’re Kinky but poor
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Day 2 of my diet
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep