Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.