Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.