Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
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Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.