Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.