this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”