“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face