In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who