girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
You Might Also Like
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
🤣🤣🤣
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in