Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Solving a traffic jam
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.