Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
You Might Also Like
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination