HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The three genders.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.