Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Best spot.. 😅
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.