*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Can’t. Being lazy.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”