Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out