‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Breaking news:
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.