I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Not even remotely sorry.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Hilarious if literal: arms race
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
good work, detective
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.