ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Dune (2021)
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-