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My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa