Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?