I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
You Might Also Like
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Maths meets science
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I found your tweet-up…
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.