When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
You Might Also Like
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Rather alarming headline…
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.