Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
they split up moments later