I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
You Might Also Like
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”